Writing is such therapeutic

I used to have a diary in my teenage years and now I have a blog which I enjoy because I get to go back and reread everything.

The end of 2019 is almost near and I haven't accomplished what I wanted to do.
- make 500 000$ net this year (i was doing so well in the beginning and then I slacked off, im talking about my passive income)
- have a baby (still under construction as we are dealing with medical)
- finally living with my husband (yay! this one is accomplished! He finally decided to come live with me in Fort Mcmurray temporary, I still don't know where we are going to settle, we have the opportunity of living in Kelowna for free so maybe we will go back and forth to our 3 cities: Montreal, Kelowna and Fort Mcmurray )

So out of 3, I only reached one... I guess it's not that bad because nobody knows what we are doing. The grass is always greener on the other side.

The only thing I know is that I am getting older everyday and every year, I am definitively more mature and starting to see me... I feel that 2020 is going to be special. Its going to be a struggle but I am going to be ok... I will always be ok because I have gone through so much as a child - from abuse to more abuse... life always gets better when your self-love grows. Took me a while to understand that I am worth loving and I am allowed to be happy in life. Cant wait to see what 2020 is going to be.

You promised...

Just finished watching The Glass Castle where I was brought back to horrible childhood memories where I saw the dysfunctional relationships between my dad and his demons.

He died at the age of 57 and only kept his promise when he died. 

I just turned 18 with many responsibilities that my friends did not have because their parents cuddle them and financially support them - I "missed" school for a year (only showed up for exams) just to work out how to pay off debt for my family and dealing with an incompetent lawyer that charged me 800$ an hour.

Walking into this lawyer, I could only see his big fat pig belly that made me sick. How can this person think that his service is worth 800$ an hour which Ive been doing all the work to close off my father's estate.

I remembered one day I walked on the sidewalk and rain started pouring, that was the only time I burst out crying because I knew nobody will noticed. I cursed my father and moved on - this is just part of life...

Fast forward 13 years, Im still living and damaged by all the things that a child should not have witnessed but it made me who I am now - unapologetic for what I want (yes I get called a brat many times but outsiders don't really know what Ive accomplished to be where I am), empathetic for some people and unconcern for others.

Thank you for not keeping your promise, you have taught me so much about life that no typical child see.

My brother looking at my father's resting body, the only pic that I have left.

Life as of now...

I haven't posted for a while because I decided to get away from blogging for a while because I got distracted with life and got lazy documenting my thoughts and events. However, another life changing event is making me rethink of everything and how come I have nothing documented about my life after my Iceland trip back in 2017... It's such a sad thing... I barely remember what I did since last year without blogging.

Since my 29th birthday, lots of things have happened.
I celebrated my 30th in Nicaragua with good friends from Ft Mac
E is finally almost done residency and we have a new life chapter beginning this summer
My mother in law got diagnosed with breast cancer metastasized to the bone cancer...

Hence, my current blog post. I feel very sad and angry- life is so unfair...

Life has a way of shaking you up when everything seems normal and stable. I just had an amazing New Year Eve party with her to celebrate 2019 and we get this horrible news. She has been very strong with the whole situation.

I find it very annoying when I say it's my mother-in-law that is dying, people tend to judge the situation as if it's ok because she is not my real biological mother but sorry to say, for me she IS my mother and will always have a special important place in my heart as I did not grow up with a conventional loving mother and my mother instinct and nurturing comes from the women of my life which are both of my mother-in-laws.

Something that Im sad is that she is no longer going to be my amazing dentist lol.
She wont be there when we have our first child. These moments are the moments that I regret not having kids yet. We have and are losing several important members that I wish my future children could have met.
- Zaidy
- Grandpa
- Grandma
and now E.M

I feel very uneasy and very "non-chalant" with what is happening in my life in Fort Mac. Im realizing little by little that these life events are happening to help me transition into my new chapter with E and I thank fate for it. I was wondering what life would throw me in order for me to close this oil sands chapter of my life. I have always known that this is just a phase in my life and that eventual I will need to move away from it and get back to my business and my other work life.

Im very grateful to have met amazing souls but it is time to be selfish and think about what is important for me and my husband. E and I have been arguing a lot about when he is done residency. He does not like the fact of having a part-time partner which I know I wont be for the most part of our life. I can't believe I have been with him for 13 years now. Time just flies when you have so much fun. WE had a great connecting time in Montreal these past few weeks while he works at the Montreal General Hospital in the Er.

Its also very sad that I needed a life changing news in order to buy all my Montreal tickets to come home and spend time with the parents... I definitively need to reflect on what is important to me and how I should transition my life.